Insomnia

Been tossing and turning on the bed for the past 20 mins and I thought I'll pen down what's troubling me.

I don't know why, but I feel lost.
Its like I don't know what's happening but I don't feel what I'm supposed to be feeling.
I have no idea why too, maybe time is up?
Maybe its time for me to learn more abt myself, find out what I want
And how I can love myself before I love others.

Limit

I was wrong.

I thought I knew you. 

I thought i knew everything about you.

But I was wrong... and today you showed me another side of you.

Which, i'm not sure if i will be able to accept that side of you. 

When you question me and said those words.

Its the last that I can take.

I've reach my limit.

Reflections of LDR

Hi everyone!!!

Im back! Just ended my last exam today was it was TORTURES... 1 question have like three parts to it? and I genuinely fear for the teacher. I hope she likes marking otherwise I think she'll probably die from the amount of pages she has to mark.

I felt like blogging about my Long Distance Relationship as some of my friends have been asking how I manage to 'survive' for the past 4 months and thus I thought it would be good to blog about it. (btw this blog post was drafted on 8 may, and I was too lazy to continue till now)


Stage 1 of LDR
Well basically, when Jerome went to Taiwan for exchange, it felt quite normal. At least for the first 2 months i think? okay lah maybe the first week, we were bawling our eyes out every time we Skype.Even though Jerome bought this soft toy thing from craftholic for me to hug to sleep so that i'll always be reminded of him, it didnt work. It was kinda bad still...and it got better from the 2nd month I think? like that was when I was busy studying for miderms and Runners Club and life goes on as usual.

Stage 2 of LDR
This is when the fights come in... Quarrels start for no reason (okay lah sometimes, it is caused by me). It's like sometimes I will see pictures of Jerome traveling/eating good food/ having fun overseas. I did felt a little sad. Its like I feel a bit left out I think? I felt really down that I was not able to share these experiences with him. Its almost like, i felt that he has forgotten about me...Yea, so we started to quarrel unnecessarily.  skype calls and messages also became less frequent (his claim was that he needed to enjoy his time there and he didnt want to be using the phone too much) - which kind of make sense, but it felt horrible! Like on some days we only got to message a few times a day, and its mostly the same convo that keeps repeating.. "hows yr day" "what did u eat for lunch" "are you gonna sleep soon".
SO BORING RIGHT!!! So one day, I mustered the courage and I told him that our relationship is getting boring...like we need to spice it up or make it exciting again...LOL then he told me that I was thinking too much, and I was like looking for trouble again.

Stage 3 of LDR
HAHAHA this is the most frightening stage of LDR i think....I became CLINGYYYYY. LOL can't believe whats happening to me.To be honest, I used to be quite independent, at least at the initial stages of our relationship. At that time, I can even not meet for weeks and be okay with it, and Jerome even have to come up with this "rule" that we need to meet at least once a week. LOL and look at me now, I became so clingy that i must skype Jerome everynight before I sleep. Oh and this started during or after the exam period..It was quite depressing as I stayed in hall almost everyday, and if I do go home, its only once a week or once every 2 weeks, and I would go home on a saturday and come back on sunday. SAD LIFE. Needless to say, I got homesick, and I would cry once I'm back in hall, and my only comfort was skyping Jerome. HAHA cause he would remind me that he also misses his family and that Its okay to be alone etc etc. Initially I thought the clingy thing was only a phase and that It would go away once exams ended and when I finally move out of hall. but NO, it stayed on, and i'm still clingy...constantly telling jerome that he needs to message me and skype me more often. HAHA and it got so bad that we just quarreled yesterday. But thank goodness Jerome, as he always is, patient enough to explain his woes to me, why he cant message as much as he is either in class/out/traveling.
Yea, so if you gusy have any tips on how to stop being clingy, pls do share with me. HAHA its not like a condition right? I really do hope its just an LDR phase that I'm going through now. Its been 4 months since Jerome left for Taiwan and I guess I'm more or less used to it now,but its just that sometimes I will really really miss him..and I'll get pretty upset when he cant skype me:( hahah yes, im an overly attached gf.

Oh!!! and did I mention? I'm doing my Internship now. It's an advertising agency and its been 2 weeks that I've been there? Can't exactly say that I like it there because of the work culture. Its like everyone works till really late and there isnt much of a work life balance. Futhermore, i think im more towards the people handling or sales part? I think I'll be more motivated to work, if theres commission involved? But oh wells, I definitely learnt ALOT about the work culture and the term "survival of the fittest". Alright, thats all for now, I'll catch up with you guys soon as I have to drag myself to work tmr.


xoxo
pattie

LDR

well....I would be kidding if i tell you that my LDR relationship have been smooth all the time

Indeed there are happy times, happy when you can finally skype, happy when you see how the other party is having fun and enjoying themselves.


But things are not so smooth and happy all the time....
There are times when you see all those beautiful pictures and food that he has posted, and you cant help but feel a little left out? Its like you feel sad that you cant be there...

There are times when something exciting or something bad happen in your day, but you just can't tell your partner because somehow he/she might be traveling and there isnt data connection.

There are times when you're surrounded by couples and you cant help but feel a little lonely and wish that your partner will come back soon.

There are times when LDR can be draining when you skype till 2-3am everyday and you struggle to wake up for morning classes tmr

There are times when you miss the person so much ,you just wanna go over and hug them...but oh, you forgot that what you're seeing in front of you is all but a virtual screen. Even when you wanna reach out to him, you can't. Maybe the only place you can reach out to him is in your dreams.


No amt of virtual chat sessions can replace the real hugs and face to face chat sessions.

and here I am, wondering how long it would be, before someone get use to LDR.

Can someone actually get used to LDR?? Like maybe after a long period of time, will someone grow to like a virtual boyfriend instead?

Well, If you ever see those perfect LDR stories on tumbler or thought catalog....let me tell you this
They are LYING.... LDR is not as easy or as blissful as how it looks like on the internet...but i know maybe if you put in enough hard work, It'll work.

Can't sleep, and I'm deeply disturbed by the negative effects of LDR

Food Poisoning

I got to know of a SHOCKING NEWS today....

I cant reveal what the news are...but I was really shocked when i got to know of it...so shocked that i think i went into zone out stage for like a good one minute before i returned to reality.

And another thing, I had severe food poisoning today/stomach flu.

This is what happened...

8.30am - bought a pack of 6 milo from the supermarket in NTU (GIant)

1.30pm - started to have bile in my mouth...and i felt like puking..like those sudden churning in the stomach that you cant control? yea and I ran out of class and manage to reach the toilet in time to puke. Next, the diarrhea began to kick in, and I cant leave the toilet, like every minute that i leave the toilet, it felt like i was gonna shit in my pants (haha)

So i went to the doctor and he prescribed me some medication and I was so weak,i couldnt leave the clinic. 

Ended up sleeping in the clinic for awhile before i gathered all my strength and crawl back to hall

9pm - Mum and Dad came to visit me and bought fish porridge for me (cause i had no energy to walk downstairs to buy food (i needed the toilet every min)

Hahaha and whats funny is that they left me pampers...told me to wear it in case i soil the bed at night 

and yea! i just woke up from a long nap, and practically wasted my time away..and im mugging for my midterm on wed

Also, i did a bit of reflection....

like people's life can change any min,anywhere,anyday..

You can breakup

You can lose your loved ones

you can contact a disease or illness

You can get pregnant

You can become another person

You can lose everything overnight

you cant predict what will happen to you the next min/next day/next year,

but you can prevent or change the way you want to live your life.

Dont do things you will regret.. for example lazing today will cost you that grade you need in your degree audit to get your dream job in future. Without that dream job, you might miss knowing yr future husband to be, our whole life can change from a reasonably comfortable and rich future to a struggling household who quarrels over financials overnight..

You decide your future, so plan your life wisely 

Love,pat

Pineapple tarts

hey yall!!!

Im back!

I was a little emotional earlier on...and thinking about it, it was kinda silly actually.

I was feeling emo the whole night because Jerome commented that my pineapple tarts wasn't nice.

As you all know, I've sent some pineapple tarts and new year goodies to Taiwan as Jerome felt that the goodies in Taiwan aren't as nice as the ones we have in Singapore (which is like totally nonsensical) ...doesnt pineapple tarts and love letters taste the same everywhere??? Like they all use the same ingredients and its the same method of cooking it??

Yea and to be honest, that box of Pineapple tart was my FAVOURITE... and Its the only thing i'll eat for CNY and i can eat for years and not get sick of it. I bought this box of tarts like afew days after cny  (its a shop in Toa Payoh) and I fell in love w it, after the bakery had a roadshow in tpy central and i went to try out the samples they had put out. and i fell in love with it after that...If that is not love at first sight, i dont know what is...

And back to the topic, i went to get it,and because it was so popular,there was only 1 box of pineapple tart left..cause the others were reserved. After I bought it, to be honest i comtemplated if i should keep n eat it,while i buy another box from bengawan solo (donno if the spelling correct) to give to Jerome. BUT....after much hesitation, i decided to only give Jerome THE BEST.. somemore shipping costs are so ex... If wanna ship, of cos must ship more ex and more good stuff,if not waste my money ma (which btw, in the end Jerome' friend's mum happen to be shipping stuff to taiwan too, so she offered to help me ship them) ....

So you can imagine how sad i felt when he told me that the pineapple tarts suck :'(

Yea so basically, i couldnt get it off my chest so i decided to blog abt it...

Sorry if my blog also sound so negative or sad...HAHA thats because i only blog when i have something to rant..

Anyways, for those of yall who wanna know abt my how my LDR is doing??

well, its going well:) but sometimes i dont deny, i do miss him alot..but i guess, if you can get through an LDR..theres basically nothing else to be afraid of. (Maybe i'll do a blog post on how to avoid quarrels in an LDR)

oh and....you know how sometimes,you wanna express how u feel, but u cant say it to the person??

yea, Jerome doesnt read my blog...so i guess he'll probably not know how i feel abt those tarts...MY passion for pineapple tarts HAHA!

thanks for listening!

love pattie

stress

I wont deny.....

I dont take stress well...

Being swarmed with work now isnt really making my recess week better

I feel so breathless..

Think I really need to go for some stress management classes

Otherwise i think i'll probably get high blood pressure in future


Sigh...

1 month of LDR

Its been a month since jerome left for taiwan exchange and many of my friends have been asking how im coping the the ldr so far.


To be honest, there are some times when you feel lonely...or bored? Like there is no one to accompany you to cafes or trampoline parks or movies anymore. No one to jio for an impromptu supper etc.

while many people adviced that we can always turn to our friends embark these activities with. However maybe im different or whatsoever, I prefer to keep these positions special? Like I dont know how to put it but I prefer to wait till jerome is back to watxh a certain movie for example. Isit weird??? Haha like there are certain kind of movies that I'll save just to watch it with him when he's back.

On the topic of void...
yes the void only gets bigger n bigger as the days goes by. Ldr is indeed not as easy as some say it is..but it is not as hard either..

Initially I was very positive abt the ldr..thinking tt ive never tried being away from someone this long before..and I also wanted to use this opportunity to see if our relationship is strong enough to overcome the obstacles....

And then I realised. In an ldr, its more of a give n take relationship..on some days I might be moody and he would have to give in to me and reassure me. On other days, he might be the one who needs to retreat and have his own space, and I need to be understanding on my part too.

Its not so much of the cheating aspect here ( at least in our relationship) cause we are rock solid in terms of trust.


Yea, so our biggest problems are probably loneliness bah...like we are quite sticky n we used to meet thrice a week? Or more...so its kind of a culture shock to go w/o seeing each other for 5 months or more.

But I guess, if you can survive an Ldr then almost nothing will be more than this...


And for now, I can only wish the day of his return to come faster.


I miss you loadsssss


Love pattiee

80 weeks ago

I asked myself this question

What was I doing 80 weeks ago? How was life back then as compared to now...

So I did a little back tracking, and stalk a little of my instagram account, and it all came back to me.

80 weeks ago, I was that immature wild girl that was clubbing thrice a week, earning a good 3k a month from my holiday job and it was almost everynight that I went home past 12. On some days, maybe drunk?

You see, I was first introduced to the clubbing scene when I was fresh out of A levels, with a lot of time to spare. No commitments back then, and me being a curious kid, decided to try out the clubbing culture...

Not long after that, I realised that I was enjoying every clubbing trip more n more....and it became so addictive that it feels weird if I ever miss one session of clubbing.

Its only till 2 years later That I realised that I wasted my youth drinking away..I wasted tons of money on alcohol, late night cab fees, and entrance fee for clubs.

I realised that the actions I do in the past determines who I am now...and that I am the beholder of my future...I determine my own grades and I'll shape the life that I want.


Clubbing may be fun, but when you grow up, you'll realised that it is a more extreme form of entertainment for those people who use alcohol and partying to numb or forget their problems.



Love,pat

LDR

Its been.....3 days since jerome left for exchange

Cant help but feel a bit of a void yea? From spending

almost everyday together to being so far apart now.....

Sometimes, even technology cant save the void...

Its something like being single? But yet, youre not

exactly that either. Really admire and understand

how couples felt when theyre in an ldr. Its not always

everyday that you can skype your love one, especially

when theyre located away from town and theres no

wifi or internet nearby.

Well I guess although ldr have its downs, it definitely

have its ups as well. They always say distance makes

the heart grows fonder right?? Well I guess this is one

bright side to look forward to!


Xoxo
pat

13 days to exchange

As the days pass by, I realised that jerome's departure for exchange is getting nearer and nearer...I begin to panic as I realised that I will no longer have that much time to spend with him.

I think I even went to the extent of being a little possesive, squeezing every possible free time from him to spend together.

Negative thoughts about exchange also starts to set in, how will our LDR be like? Will we struggle through this journey? Furthermore I might be going for exchange in year 3 sem 1, meaning that the both of us will be apart for about a year. Thats when the real fear sets in and I get sleepless nights these days wondering if the relationship is strong enough to withstand the 1 year apart. Will we get use to living apart for one entire year? What will happen suring this one year apart?

Despite Jerome's constant reassurance that things wont be as bad as it looks, I cant help but worry...with each worry engaging more petty quarrels between us.
That was when I realised that Ive been overthinking and paranoid. Each time, I fail to think of the numerous good things that Jerome has done for me and instead I only focus on looking at the negative side of him. Reflecting upon it now, I realized that ive got to be more independent and positive. I have to believe in myself and most importantly believe in him,that we will get through this together.Believe that the exchange is actually beneficial to our relationship and it will only make us stronger.

Despite all my negativity abt his exchange, jerome has never once blamed me for it....Instead he was the one with the bigger heart to blame it on himself for going on exchange. ( which is kinda ridiculous)

Seeing how narrow minded I am, it really made me thankful for having Jerome in my life....he is one of the most forgiving and easy going person ive ever met.
Always changing his plans and accommodating to me as I am always late for dates, from my endless whining and making him stay up late just to listen to my daily rambles and end up wasting his breath as i often end up not following his advices. Always puting me as his first priority and always offering to send me to school cause he didnt want me to take the long route to school. Always trying to calm me down or cheer me up after a bad day at work or school, and always trying to include me in his social circles as much as possible.

I know I'll miss you dearly when you're away for exchange. But on the bright side, theres 2 more weeks to goooo!!! Can't wait for our peterpan musical tmr!!
 ( haha and yes we're gg for it)  *fingers crossed* that it will be good:)

Thanks for listening to my daily ramblings

With love,
pattie

What is love? What is lust? How do you know if you like the person a lot? or you really love him?
Its easy to love people (if you do not have a picky criteria). So what makes you think that you love the person, or are you just reliant on that person.

If that person no longer offer you any benefit or source of companion, will you still love the person?
If that person can no longer afford you the things you want, would you still be with him?

Why are people so easily replaced? breakups, divorces, broken friendships


If only people can love each other like how my dog loves me

No Judgement

No Arguments

No Sadness

No Fights

Only those puppy eyes waiting for me to eagerly embrace her when im home from school

Only those playful licks when she wants me to play with her

Its not hard to get a dog's attention, but its hard to get people's attention.

and most likely, they'll only give it to you when they want/need something.

Exactly how I felt today - USED